NC, it’s time to do better for our most vulnerable kids!

My daughter Zoe is a delight. She loves purple. She can sing most of the words to Hillary Scott’s Thy Will, Frozen’s Let It Go, Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood, Daniel Tiger’s If You’re Sick, Rest Is Best, and David Guetta's Titanum. (Her music tastes are nothing if not varied.) She likes to boss her siblings around, and she thinks it’s hilarious whenever someone falls down. Also hilarious to her are knock knock jokes and poop humor.

Oh, and she has cerebral palsy, doesn’t walk or sit independently, and requires full support for almost all activities of daily life. As such, she qualifies for CAP/C.

As I shared in a Facebook post making the rounds, years ago North Carolina created a Medicaid waiver program called CAP/C for medically fragile kids. While the care provided to each child through CAP/C is expensive, it was designed to save the state money and care well for kids by keeping them out of institutional settings. The full name of the program - Community Alternatives Program for Children - even tells a bit of that story. The program is meant to provide community-based alternatives to residential care. Our daughter Zoe qualifies for CAP/C and has received services for nearly two years.

CAP/C has been operating on 5 year waiver cycles. The last waiver expired in July 2015. (Yes, you read that right. 2015.) Since then, the state keeps offering new dates and then those deadlines pass. A month or two ago, you might remember a flurry of news articles about the draft plan they put out, which would have severely cut services to kids and been detrimental to families. They say they're listening and withdrew that plan, which was good, but? Now we still have no plan in place. There's still no new legislation to replace what expired a year ago. Families are being served under the old waiver, but some services - like vehicle modifications - are frozen or limited for now.

Let me word this another way: Because our state government can't or won't do their job, families are being penalized.

In the image above, she had just gotten her purple chariot, aka her motorized wheelchair. So far, the chair hasn’t left the house. We don’t have a lift yet for our van, so she can’t take it to larger places than our home to practice, much less to church or school. Most of her physical therapy IEP goals for next year are based on using her motorized chair at school. We're even changing her school placement to a larger location from a smaller one to better accommodate the chair. But we can't get her chair to school or church or larger spaces to practice without a lift for our van. So it's stayed home since its arrival in January. 

Under CAP/C, getting a lift for our van should be no problem. Vehicle modifications are a service covered by CAP/C. But there’s not a new waiver in place. Because of that, they're refusing to even process our vehicle modification request, which means we don't even have a refusal to appeal. The request has been sitting and waiting for more than a month. We're stuck, and our kid doesn't have what she needs, because for the past 12 months, the state has failed to do their job to put a new waiver in place.

This isn't okay. This isn't acceptable. On my watch, this isn't going to continue.

Ironically, earlier this year after we had gone more than 90 days without staffing Zoe's in-home health care aide - a provision covered by CAP/C - DMA tried to remove her from the program. We appealed, taking the case to court, where we learned in cases like ours, law places the burden of proof on the family while the state has the resources and controls every aspect of the process. That didn't strike me as fair or family-centered, as CAP/C claims to be, but my summer job as a legal assistant in college served me well as I prepared briefs of my own - citing both current law and the proposed draft at that time - to support our side. Ultimately, on the day we were before the judge, DMA and the assistant district attorney representing their case asked for a settlement discussion prior to presenting the case. So the judge stepped out, and they conceded that I had provided sufficient documentation so they were reversing their decision to threaten Zoe's position in the program. 

In other words, a few months of delay in filling Zoe's home health staffing meant a months-long court battle with the state. But a year of delays from the state means we're supposed to just wait patiently with no recourse. That's why I'm speaking out now. The double standard is appalling.

(Furthermore, I didn't feel like I could speak out before because they were trying to remove my child from the program, and she needs and deserves those supports. We didn't want to rock an already rocky boat. And our efforts in the appeal meant we didn't even have the time to start working on the vehicle modification request - which requires a long process of the family getting a minimum of three similar quotes from state-approved vendors who are notoriously hard to contact and work with - until after we won our case.)

If you're in NC, contact anyone you can in the state government - the governor, state senators, state representatives, the NC Division of Medical Assistance (DMA) office which is part of NC Health & Human Services, anyone - to ask when the state plans to meet a deadline that passed 12 months ago to reinstate full CAP/C services to help our state's most vulnerable kids. This is NOT okay.

This is my daughter Zoe. She deserves better than this. 


Update 1, July 19: We were told yesterday that our county's nurse consultant from DMA told our case manager that in June, the federal government - which, from what I understand, provides some of the funding for CAP/C - stated that everything in queue has to be approved under the previous waiver's approved amounts with no new funds available. As such, while Zoe should have a full budget for this cycle, she's limited, they say, to $3,000. (That said, we don't even know if that's accurate or not, because our request hasn't even been processed in more than a month. So it hasn't been denied, which means we can't appeal.) Meanwhile, a mom from another county just contacted me through Facebook to share that they began their van modification a month and a half ago and just dropped it off for the work to be done this week, having been approved for around $18,000 in modifications. (Meanwhile our full request, for the lift as well as a valet seat which would allow transfers to go more smoothly and - ultimately, hopefully - be more independent for Zoe without our help as much, is for $12,280, of which $3,532 is the lift. So if we only got the lift at this time - which is the more pressing need - then we're only fighting the state over $532. But, again, since our request hasn't even been processed, we don't even have the promised $3000 available to us. 

Sigh. C'mon, North Carolina. This shouldn't be so hard.


Update 2, afternoon of July 19, 2016: A few news outlets are showing some interest in possibly doing a story about this. Nothing is firm yet, but I'm totally game for that. I hate to have to make some noise to get the state to do what they should, but I will if I have to. I'm speaking up not only for Zoe but for so many other kids whose parents might not be able to do so, because of lack of time for working parents or lack of education for those who don't even know they can challenge the state or any other reason. All our kids deserve better, not just Zoe. 


Update 3, afternoon of July 20, 2016: Diane Wilson, aka the Troubleshoot for ABC11 News, just left our home  I'm not sure when the story will air, but I'll keep you posted. She was a delight to work with. 


Update 4, late morning of July 21, 2016: Tonya, the nurse consultant at DMA assigned to our case, called me. Moments later, I messaged Diane at ABC11 to update her, writing,

[Tonya] started by apologizing for the delay and explaining that she had had a death in her family. She said that under the directive passed down from the federal government (CMS) in June, we can only be approved for the $3000 Zoe would have had available under the waiver that spanned from July 2010 to July 2015. (That waiver allocated more than $3000 per child, but the amount given is prorated upon entry to the program, so since Zoe entered in October 2014, she was only allocated a portion of the funds that would have been available to any child in the program on or before 2010.) She called this a “partial approval” of our request for $12,000 when I called it a denial, to which I pointed out that “partial denial” seemed like better language. I asked if any exceptions could be made, at least to cover the full cost of the lift, and she said no, because of the rules set by the federal government. I pointed out to her that if we had been having this conversation prior to July 2015, I would not be arguing that we should be entitled to anything more than the $3000 available to Zoe at that time. But under every single draft DMA has put out, Zoe would have more funds available under a new waiver. Once again, the issue at hand is that the state has failed in their duty to put a new policy in place to provide for families like ours. If they had done their job, Zoe would have the funds she needs. (Even in drafts that severely cut vehicle modification budgets, the full cost of the lift would be covered.) We discussed the appeal process, which I told her we would be using, and she said I could include those concerns about the state’s failures in my appeal but that she could not make any exceptions.

I then told her that as soon as I get home, I would get her the information for the family in Rockingham who has not faced the same issues, asking her to please look into that case to figure out if an exception was made and, if so, if one could be made for us. It was at this time that I asked if you had been in touch yet and shared about the news story. She said no, seemingly unaware that the media was involved. Then I also pointed out to her that if our request had been processed on May 31 when it was received, or at any time in June prior to when CMS gave new guidance that month about only authorizing funds that were available under the old waiver and not providing any new funds, we would have been approved without problem. Based on that, I asked if she could inquire about whether or not we could get at least a partial approval of $3582 - the full cost of the lift - as we are able to wait longer for remainder of modification, which would provide a valet seat modification that would eventually allow Zoe to transfer from her chair into her seat without assistance by lowered the whole seat out of the van and to the same level as her wheelchair (which also would make transfers from her chair to the car easier on us, though it’s not a big deal right now because she’s so small and doesn’t yet have the skills to transfer herself, though we are working on those in therapy). She said she would talk to her supervisor and get back to me. I’m pretty confident that the only reason she was willing to bring it back to her supervisor is because I told her that you were involved already.

I’ll keep you posted!
— my message to Diane Wilson at ABC11

[Note: As of July 26, Tonya has NOT gotten back to me about what her supervisor said. Considering her supervisor, Sandra, should have reversed DMA's decision to attempt removing Zoe from CAPC at the time of our mediation months ago but instead was combative during that mediation call and then persisted in pushing forward to wrongfully remove Zoe from CAPC, I'm not surprised or hopeful that she will provide any help here. The assistant attorney general assigned to represent DMA in our case against them was the one who ultimately convinced Sandra that they had no case and should reverse the decision to remove Zoe from CAPC. Given my interaction with her during that case, I do not trust that Sandra upholds the principle of family-centered planning which is foundational to CAPC, according to their manual.]


Update 5, early afternoon of July 21, 2016: Diane replied that she had made an inquiry regarding the story at 3:53pm on July 20. (I have a copy of this email.) As such, she found it very hard to believe that Tonya was unaware of the news story. I remembered that something about Tonya's tone from the beginning of the conversation made me think she had to know about the story. I also remembered that I had asked Tonya if Diane Wilson from ABC11 had contacted her, and while her answer of no was technically honest, it was intentionally misleading, offering the implication that she didn't know about the story.   


Update 6, later afternoon of July 21, 2016: Diane emailed me the response from DMA. It stated,

I hope your afternoon is going well. The Community Alternatives Program for Children and the Community Alternatives Program for Disabled Adults continues to operate as it has been, and vehicle modification continues to be processed according to Division of Medical Assistance policy, found here: https://ncdma.s3.amazonaws.com/s3fs-public/documents/files/3K1.pdf.

Public comments received during the revision of these programs resulted in the Division of Medical Assistance pausing on implementing a revised waiver to seek additional stakeholder involvement. Listening sessions are being held across the state. Additionally, stakeholder workgroup meetings and one-on-one meetings are being scheduled with individuals and families to hear feedback about these programs moving forward. You can see more about stakeholder engagement here: http://dma.ncdhhs.gov/providers/programs-services/long-term-care/community-alternatives-program-for-children.

In the meantime, there is no change to how these programs are operating. Please encourage your viewers to contact the Division of Medical Assistance at 919-855-4340 for assistance in receiving services under the CAP/C and CAP/D programs as they are currently written.
— email from Kate Murphy, Senior Manager of Media Relations, North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services

Diane asked for my reply, and I had a lot to say:

This isn’t honest on several counts.

First, on page 39 of the first link, “The total cost of vehicle modifications may not exceed $15,000 over the life of the waiver. It is the responsibility of the Case Manager to track the cost of vehicle modifications billed and paid in order to avoid exceeding the limit. Participants not in the waiver for the full five years will receive this benefit prorated to $3000 for each year of participation, the total amount to be used over the duration of participation. Approval for vehicle modifications is based upon medical need; there is no entitlement of services up to the program limit.” This is true. This is why, now that they have finally processed the request, they are saying Zoe only has $3000 available because she was only part of the program for that last year of the previous waiver. However, another year has passed in which Zoe has been receiving services, therefore per a strict reading of their policy combined with her assertion that everything has continued per the terms of the old policy, Zoe should have another $3000 available for a total of $6000, which wouldn’t cover all the modifications but would cover the lift, which is most pressing.

Second, the waiver was designed to run from July 2010 to July 2015. As stated throughout the policy, the budgets for each participant are based on needs over the five year period. This is based on an understanding that new needs and budgeting are needed over time for families. For example, families under the CAP/C waiver prior to July 2010 had funds budgeted for them then, and then had a new budget provided under the new waiver period beginning in July 2010. In the same way, we should have had more funds available in July 2015 but the negligence of DMA to implement a new policy has prevented this.

Third, she is being intentionally deceptive with this remark. “Public comments received during the revision of these programs resulted in the Division of Medical Assistance pausing on implementing a revised waiver to seek additional stakeholder involvement.” Here’s the reality: That feedback happened in May 2016, 10 months after a policy should have been in place. She can’t blame parents and other stakeholders for their feedback stalling this when they had already failed to do their job for months at that point. Furthermore, that draft was horrible and severely cut services, because they hadn’t included the most important stakeholders - families - in drafting the policy. Yes, they paused implementation, as they should have. If they had done what they should have, the waiver draft would have been available in January of 2015 (not more than a year after that and many months after the previous waiver had expired) so that they could gain feedback, submit the draft to CMS (the federal entity over state Medicaid and Medicare programs) in March 2015 so that CMS could approve it and DMA implement it by July 1, 2015, so a new waiver could be in place before the previous one expired.

Fourth, this isn’t completely true either: “Listening sessions are being held across the state. Additionally, stakeholder workgroup meetings and one-on-one meetings are being scheduled with individuals and families to hear feedback about these programs moving forward. “ They didn’t release the info about these sessions and meetings in a timely manner. In fact, they buried it on their website without communicating the info to families in any direct way. When a group of parents stumbled across the web page on July 5, 2016, it stated that parents and other stakeholders had to register, but no registration info was available until they requested it. The first scheduled one-on-one meetings were, according to DMA, on July 6, 2016, but families are required to register for them in advance. DMA provided less than 24 hours for this registration to happen. Even worse, they didn’t notify case management companies (who, by law, are the line of communication to families) until July 9, after stakeholder engagement had already started. That doesn’t seem like they are really demonstrating that they want our feedback, does it? Furthermore, three of the five listening sessions are scheduled after their work group meetings end. How can they honestly claim they are incorporating feedback if they are holding most listening sessions after they complete their work?

Fifth, prior to June 2016, they were approving new vehicle and home modifications up to $15,000 for vehicle modifications and $10,000 for home modifications, as if a new funding cycle for 2015-2020 had begun. This changed in June 2016, which Tonya confirmed by phone today. Therefore, it’s not true to say that they haven’t changed anything about their implementation in the past year. In other words, this is also inaccurate: “In the meantime, there is no change to how these programs are operating.”

Does that all make sense?

Feel free to forward this to them to ask for their response to any of it. I don’t think they expect parents like me to do our homework so well.
— my email to Diane Wilson in response to the statement she received from DMA

Update 7, July 25: Our story ran on ABC11 tonight. I think the story was fabulous, and I'm thankful Diane Wilson's involvement got us an answer from the state. That said, I have a few points of clarification:

  • It's not true that the full cost of the lift was approved. The lift will be $3532, while the partial approval is only for $3000. We're still facing a $532 gap that wouldn't exist if the state had done their job by having a waiver in place back in July 2015 when the old waiver expired. 
  • That said, we did get the request processed, whereas before Diane got involved, we were being denied due process by the state as our paperwork sat unprocessed. Diane was told my DMA that this was an isolated issue with our nurse consultant, but that's not what I'm hearing from families across the state. Our story is not a unique one. Our state is letting families like ours down.
  • At the end of the segment, the news anchor challenged viewers to imagine the families who are left waiting and don't have the resources to connect with the media to have their story heard and the state's hand forced. I wish they had made a bigger deal out of that. While part of our fight is still over (though our appeal means a new fight has begun), every family - not just the ones with our privileges of having a blog with wide enough readership to get attention - should get what their kids deserve under this law.

Here's the article, and the video can be found below.


Update 8, July 26: Someone kindly asked on the ABC11 Facebook page if we had a GoFundMe page set up for Zoe. Another friend commented offering to donate toward our vehicle modification needs. Our reply was, "Thanks for asking, but we're confident we can push to get funding through already established channels, so we'd rather not benefit from donations when others families are truly in need and with no other recourse. We've been the recipient of generosity from others in the past, so we're not opposed to receiving! We're just trying to hold the state accountable to providing what they've promised, not just to our family but so many other families in need. A fundraiser could meet our daughter's needs, but 2200 kids like her are served through CAPC, so we're fighting for all of them." And that's exactly what we'll do. I have the knowledge, resources, tenacity, and time to fight for my kid. Some parents don't have those privileges, so I feel passionate about using my voice and advocacy to benefit all medically fragile kids in NC. 

why I consider both Trump and the Alt-Right to be morally dangerous

Update: I wrote this in June 2016. Now, in November, President-Elect Trump has named one of their leaders, Steve Bannon, as his chief strategist and said Bannon will work as a partner to his chief of staff. Trump supporters and voters who said you'd speak up for my family if my concerns proved right, did you mean it? Now's your chance. Let him know that Bannon isn't an acceptable choice for your non-white friends.

A week and a half ago, Christianity Today featured my thoughts on inclusive ministry for families affected by disability and childhood trauma. I was both thankful and humbled to lend my voice in that outlet.

I'm proud of this piece. I'm grateful to Dan Darling and the folks at Christianity Today for running it. I'm honored to have had so many opportunities to speak up for vulnerable kids and families and encourage the church to love us well.

And then, I discovered the Alt-Right. 

Please be warned, the tweets below are both graphic and horrific. 

But I think we need to see them for what they are, so I'm sharing them along with my thoughts on the issue.

(I know this post might make our family a target again, but I figure I'm probably doing something right if I'm drawing the ire of white supremacists. Thankfully, some of these users have been banned from Twitter for hate, which is why they show up as quotes rather than embedded texts now, but I've provided screen shots as well.)


I know they're sickening (and I censored out a few by not including them here). Also, happy birthday to me, as they were posted the night I turned 34. (Ugh.) But who are these people and the 100+ folks who liked or retweeted their remarks? To answer that, here's a snippet from the always accurate Wikipedia:

It’s no coincidence that alt-righters who don’t like libertarians or more traditional conservatives often refer to them as “cuckservatives.” The Daily Caller’s Matt Lewis explains the term, “A cuckold, of course, is a legitimate word for the husband of an adulterous wife… (but) the people who throw this term around are most likely referencing a type of pornography whereby a (usually, white) man is ‘humiliated’ (or ironically thrilled) by being forced to watch his wife having sex with another (usually, black) man…

“So what does this have to do with conservatism or politics?” asks Lewis. “By supporting immigration reform, criminal justice reform, etc., a white conservative is therefore surrendering his honor and masculinity…

“A cuckservative is, therefore, a race traitor,” Lewis notes.

I didn't know what they meant by cucked when I first saw the tweets. Someone dear to me texted, "I don't know what that word means and I'm not going to look it up." I tried not to. I tried to just ignore it all. (Obviously, I didn't succeed in those efforts.)

I'm writing this because I believe these tweets are symptoms of a larger issue. I think we have to speak up against hate. I won't sugarcoat it. The Alt-Right is defined by hate. Not patriotism. Not principle. Not nationalism.

Hate.

This is a hate group, no question. And they've been mobilized by Trump, by their own assertions.

As silence doesn't suit me, the day after the Christianity Today piece and Twitter hate, I shared this on Facebook:

I couldn’t put the words together last night, and I’m probably going to fumble this too, but I’m no longer shaking in anger so I think I can do this...

I’ve seen people try to downplay racism. I’ve seen people try to downplay rape culture. I’ve seen people try to downplay Trump’s hate speech about race and gender and immigration and disability and so much more.

Usually I try to ignore it. Fighting online battles isn’t beneficial. (And, please, continue to follow my advice about not engaging the Twitter trolls attacking our family, because they won’t go away if they get a rise out of us.)

But sometimes it’s time to say something. When a few dozen cowardly white supremacists who strongly espouse both their love for Hitler and Trump make cruel memes out of our family pictures for fun and write vile comments about how my black immigrant son is going to rape me and my white daughter because that’s what those people do (in addition to calling my husband a cuckold and us both traitors to both our country and our race), I can’t stay silent. I’m not going to engage with them, because they are not worth my time. But? I feel like I need to say that if you’re supporting Trump, I see this as the natural consequence of his violent hate-mongering speech about anyone different. No, he didn’t write those comments, but we’re seeing these groups emboldened by his candidacy. To me, supporting Trump isn’t a political issue; it’s a moral one.

Please, spare me comments about Hillary or any other candidate and their poorly behaved supporters. I know jerks behind computer screens exist in all shades. But? When my family becomes a target from hard right conservative racists over a piece in Christianity Today, I have to say it’s going to be hard for me to stomach anyone’s comments here about how mean those on the left are toward Christians. Nope. Not today.

/end rant

I don't consider this a political blog post. To me, this is a moral issue, as much as diversity in dolls or outrage about sexual assault are. Dinglefest isn't going to become a blog about politics, but I won't be quiet on this topic. I think it's important to shed light on what our political climate is creating.

I deliberated long and hard before sharing the troubling tweets above. I might go back and remove them at some point, because I don't want to amplify their voices. But? I think we need to be willing to see the ugliness, because I think it's our refusal to look upon hate speech like this that makes us say "I'm shocked!" about Orlando and Charleston while so many of our friends in the LGBT and black communities weren't in the same ways. After all, they've been watching the hate storms brew, while our white and/or heterosexual eyes have looked the other way, simply because our privilege allows that.

So what can we do? 

Listen. Identify those who are marginalized and start listening. Your eyes might just be opened to the hate you've been glossing over without even knowing it.

Love. Create your own love storms, right where you are. (And, please, drop the conditions. Not "I love you, but..." or "I love you if..." or "I love you, even though..." Just communicate "I love you." Period. Full stop. No stipulations.)

Do. Take action - with your voice and your votes and your time and your money - to act against hate and show value to all people.

Finally, I feel compelled to say I do value both Trump and the AltRight. While I don't like their speech, they have a right to express it. As angry and hurt as I was reading their tweets, I know each Twitter handle represents an actual person created by God to do greater things than spread hate online. So please don't interpret this post as a hateful response to hate. No. This is a call for us to look and see the hate storm, but love the people. When everything went down a week and a half ago, a friend asked what she could do. I still stand by my response: "Just be kind. While these are faceless trolls, they are also real people behind a screen. And I can only think that they need a whole lot more kindness in their lives if they're saying what they're saying, even anonymously. So be kind."

I think kindness can be dangerous to this brand of hate. So let's listen, love, and do, all while showing grace to everyone, even those who don't seem to deserve it.

3 things we say when our immigrant children express fear about Trump

"Mommy," a small voice said from the back of the van. "Um, I was talking with [two Hispanic classmates] at recess, and they're scared about what will happen if that Trump guy becomes president."

"Oh," I said, totally as filler to give myself a moment to think. "Why's that?"

"Well," she paused. "They say he wants to send some of their family back to Mexico."

I waited, giving her space to say what I knew she needed to say. Surprisingly, the rest of our kids held space too. They all seemed to be willing her to ask the question, as they waited for my answer.

"If he becomes president, will me and Philip and Patricia and Zoe have to leave the country?"

I'm glad I was driving. If she had seen the anger in my eyes, she might have thought she had done something wrong. I wasn't angry with her, though. I was furious that the hateful anti-immigrant rhetoric by a leading political candidate had made my girl question her place in our family and country.

(Lest you argue that maybe her friends' family members weren't here legally, please know that I've heard from dozens of adoptive families whose children are asking the same questions. Some have been told outright on the playground that they'll have to move back to their birth countries if Trump is elected. These incidents have been on the rise throughout his candidacy. His rhetoric is emboldening hateful language from others. Our kids are seeing it. Feel free to discuss the issues here, but our children's real experiences aren't up for debate.)

Some people don't think of our kids as immigrants. But, trust me, they are. We know the paperwork. We've filed documents and paid thousands of dollars to the US Citizenship and Immigration Services department of Homeland Security. We can share stories of the first moments each of our children by adoption spent on US soil. They know too.

After all, this is our family - hailing from the US, Taiwan, and Uganda - while we were still living on African soil:

So what do I say when these questions come? After helping them name the emotion and validating it with empathy - "Wow. It sounds like you might be scared and curious about what you heard. I'm so sorry you're feeling that way, and I'm so glad you told me." - here are the three truths we stress:

1. Our government system involves checks and balances so no one branch can make unilateral action on immigration.

2. You are now American citizens so you are treated as such under the law, even though you weren't born here.

3. If all else failed and you had to leave this country, we would ALL leave, because we're a family and we're in this together.

Our kids need to hear the truth about our government system, the truth about their legal status, and the truth about their standing in our family. We came back to these truths when one of our children had "go back to Africa!" screamed at her by a group of classmates on the playground this past spring. And we returned to them again recently when they overheard something on the news while at a friend's house.

Immigration isn't just a political issue. It's a personal one. Whenever you're tempted to lump one group of people together - either lauded in praise or burned in effigy - pause. Because it's hard to love a group, but it's much easier to love a person.

And if your kids are asking questions, pause then too. Listen. Help them name their emotions. Validate them. Offer empathy. And then affirm the truths of the situation in a way that answers their questions without dismissing their real feelings.

my past and present are sometimes at tension. that's okay. #takeitdown

Some ancestors on my mom's side arrived in this country around 1620.

All of them I can trace were white, though (like many families) we have rumors of some Native American ancestry somewhere (and like many white families, those rumors are probably bogus).

As well established and well-to-do land owners, many of them owned slaves.

I know some of those ancestors fought as part of the confederacy, following articles of secession that explicitly argued for three of my children to be considered property instead of people.

If my grandmother was right, I'm somehow related to Jefferson Davis on her side of the family.

My dad is a history buff who participates in reenactments of multiple time periods, including as a Confederate solider (though he's pictured below attired as a Quartermaster Sergeant from the 2nd Seminole War, circa 1837).

photo by Mark Rodriguez

Almost every member of my family can look back on most periods of history as "good ol' days" even if they were times in which my multiracial family wouldn't have been tolerated.

Before he retired, my daddy ran the jail system as a major in our county's sheriff's office and served at one point as the president of the American Jail Association.

And I'm the mother of black, white, and Asian children.

My past and present are messy and sometimes at tension with each other. Yours probably are too, albeit in different ways.

I've been blogging and posting elsewhere lately about the conversations we need to be having about race and progress and privilege. As we have these conversations, we don't have to hide our histories and deny the tensions therein. No, let's pull it all out of the shadows and into the light. Let's all bring our collective lived experiences to the table, joining together in the kind of beautiful harmony or tapestry that can only exist when diverse members intermix.

As we do, perhaps our grip on our own histories might loosen as we realize the other side of that experience. Mine certainly has, which is why I - as a descendant of those who raised the Confederate battle flag - join with the voices calling for it to be taken down and only displayed in museums with other relics of yesteryear.